What a milestone. 27 years 5 months.
How did you mark this truly momentous occasion?
I celebrated by watching the first seventeen minutes of The Dark Knight Rises while eating butter-covered pasta. I’m an adult so I also had vegetables, undercooked, which I still horrendously burned my mouth on.
I reflected on this significant occasion and compiled a definitive list of the 11 things every 27 year 5 month old man should have done by this monumental and gravely noteworthy age:
1. Own a belt.
2. Travel to a place and have a time.
3. Kill a member of the illuminati.
4. Make flossing part of your routine.
5. Been impressed by your emotional depth after figuring out the opening piano riff to A Thousand Miles on the ukulele.
6. Learn, and then ignore, the proper posture for sitting.
7. Undergone the Okipa Suspension ritual of the Native American Mandan Tribe.
8. Ignored the weird shit happening to your face.
9. Thought I might be a sociopath.
10. Made a list of your tastiest and weakest friends incase of a zombie apocalypse.
11. Vomited on your grandmother's corpse.